Bill is an actor, writer & comic in Los Angeles. Read more...

The Blog

Flight 93

I had a couple of auditions for a movie called “United 93,” directed by Paul Greengrass. As you probably know, it’s about the famous Flight 93 that went down in a field in Pennsylvania on September 11th. Both auditions were group improvisations based on the events leading up to the crash…

When Mr. Greengrass announced he was looking for “unknowns” to star in the movie, my agent said I would be perfect. He felt I was more than unknown enough to fit the bill. It’s funny: when I was in my early 20′s, people said I was “undiscovered.” When exactly did I get fucking downgraded to “unknown?” I think once your hair starts thinning, people don’t quite feel comfortable saying you’re “undiscovered.” In a similar vein, my friend Mark Bennett (L.A. casting director for “The Hills Have Eyes,” among other things) laughed out loud when an Off-Broadway theatre review from last year called me an “up and comer.” I guess in New York, I’m a young actor. In L.A., I’m a young dad. Either way, I like to think that I’m “bicoastal” in my unemployment.

Sex and Stretch!

When I was seven, I got a Stretch Armstrong after much begging and cajoling of the parental unit. I think Santa had fucked up that year and given me a sweater or something, so I whined and stamped until my parents, out of guilt or exhaustion, finally conceded and allowed me an off-season present. They even agreed to chauffeur me to Toys R’ Us, my childhood mecca.

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The Scottish Play

You won’t find the following story in my stand-up act. It involves a famous actress who is married to an equally famous producer who would most likely sue me if I used their real names. And, while libel lawsuits scare the hair off my asshole, I fully recognize that slander is the stuff that makes the world go round. That is why I tell this story to friends when I’m drunk…

In December of 2001, I went to the Los Angeles premiere of that goofy Tom Cruise movie “Vanilla Sky” with my quasi-famous quasi-friend, Mark Feuerstein.

I was a last minute replacement for one of his more “industry-friendly” buddies, but I was still more excited than a Down’s kid at a Shiny Stuff convention. No one in LA will ever cop to caring about being surrounded by the upper echelons of the Hollywood statusphere, but catch any of those “been-there-done-that” actors the next morning at breakfast, and they’ll be dropping more names than Schindler on payday.

Introduction

Bill is an actor and comedian living in New York. He has been in dozens of Broadway, off-Broadway, and off-off-Broadway plays that no one gives a shit about, and starred in a numerous indie films that can be found in Walmart clearance bins across the nation. As a comic, Bill splits his time between New York and L.A., where he makes literally hundreds of dollars telling dick jokes to tourists. Offstage, he teaches yoga, dances hip hop with the best of them, and has a degree in Aerospace Engineering from Princeton sitting in a box somewhere. This site chronicles his personal and professional journey from a humble Southern yokel to a wanna-be breakout star.

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